Brains can be so nasty
I'm still riding, I have been through the winter, only once or twice a week though. Keane was gelded a few days before Christmas, and aside from some swelling and discomfort, healed up after three weeks and has adjusted to life as a gelding pretty well. While it curbed some of the teenage aggro that had been developing along with his boy hormones, it hasn't affected his general curiousity and interest in humans and the desire for interaction that goes along with it. I guess they call that trainability, hm?
But as for me, my riding continues to go downhill, though physically I do feel much better than I did at the end of last year. I had the same problems last winter, I'm a stiff rider in the best of conditions and it's just that much harder in the cold, raw, damp, bitter, windy, icy, you get the picture New England winter.
Even worse than my lack of physical prowess in the saddle, is the lack of self confidence that has steadily escalated. Frustrating ride after frustrating ride, I can't even get a decent warm up going, I have gaping holes in my basics, holding aids too long, not following the rein, simple things, lack of coordination, complete loss of feel. It saps my confidence. I question whether I ever had it, whether I'll ever get it.
On top of that, I feel so much guilt for all the horses I've ridden with my horrible, heavy hands and seat, I keep telling myself I have no business whatsoever riding. So I stay away from the horses as much as possible, knowing they're getting good quality care from Christine, plenty of fresh air and herd interaction, and safe from my awkward pulling and kicking.
I'm thinking, maybe I should step back and take a few lessons with someone a step down from Janet, who can check out what I'm doing seatwise, help me out with the basics, help me sort out aids, half halts, help me figure out why I keep losing feel. It is not at all like riding a bike, people.
It is crushing me, I struggle with Mico, knowing full well that Christine can get on him and he'll move fluidly and tick along like the little dressage machine he can be when he is ridden properly. It hurts so much when you know that you are the point of failure. And all the theory in the world isn't going to help you. And all this struggling practice and repetitive negativity isn't either! Perfect practice--not even close. I don't think rehearsing and re-rehearsing the wrong feel makes for correct practice. So, what then?
But as for me, my riding continues to go downhill, though physically I do feel much better than I did at the end of last year. I had the same problems last winter, I'm a stiff rider in the best of conditions and it's just that much harder in the cold, raw, damp, bitter, windy, icy, you get the picture New England winter.
Even worse than my lack of physical prowess in the saddle, is the lack of self confidence that has steadily escalated. Frustrating ride after frustrating ride, I can't even get a decent warm up going, I have gaping holes in my basics, holding aids too long, not following the rein, simple things, lack of coordination, complete loss of feel. It saps my confidence. I question whether I ever had it, whether I'll ever get it.
On top of that, I feel so much guilt for all the horses I've ridden with my horrible, heavy hands and seat, I keep telling myself I have no business whatsoever riding. So I stay away from the horses as much as possible, knowing they're getting good quality care from Christine, plenty of fresh air and herd interaction, and safe from my awkward pulling and kicking.
I'm thinking, maybe I should step back and take a few lessons with someone a step down from Janet, who can check out what I'm doing seatwise, help me out with the basics, help me sort out aids, half halts, help me figure out why I keep losing feel. It is not at all like riding a bike, people.
It is crushing me, I struggle with Mico, knowing full well that Christine can get on him and he'll move fluidly and tick along like the little dressage machine he can be when he is ridden properly. It hurts so much when you know that you are the point of failure. And all the theory in the world isn't going to help you. And all this struggling practice and repetitive negativity isn't either! Perfect practice--not even close. I don't think rehearsing and re-rehearsing the wrong feel makes for correct practice. So, what then?
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