Negative loop

I'm mentally and physically screwed up. I keep forgetting how to ride. I'm in a black hole I can't get out of.

I can't ride. I suck. The horses hate me.

So I don't ride. I have a yearling with whom I have no idea what to do. Maybe I should just get out of it completely.

I'm sick, and I'm tired. I'm sick and I'm tired because my body is a little screwed up. So, I'm doing something about it, seeing a doctor, a chiropractor, eating better, riding at least a couple of days a week because I have to keep moving or I will seize up forever. I think if I feel better physically, I'll start to feel better mentally, and I'll be more motivated to do things with the horses. And when I do more things more often with the horses, I do those things better. When I'm riding well, that becomes my motivation.

Right now, I'm feeling really sick, and stiff, and tired. I've been managing to ride once or twice a week, three times on a good week. Sometimes my body "remembers" how to ride. Things click and my body catches up. Mostly I am stiff and clumsy and the horse, not understanding my stiffness, stiffens against me. The endless circle of stiffness and frustration and lost hope.A nurse checked my range of motion and reflexes last night. My range of motion is actually pretty good. However, my body is so stiff, that the nurse couldn't detect any reflexes in my arms. I really do have dead arms. Dead hands.

What the hell is my problem?

Watch Dodgeball, if only for this:

Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.

Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?

Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.

Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.