Mopey

I've been feeling mopey and unmotivated, though my back is much better now from last month's fall off of Mico, I am still weak and prone to just wanting to sit around, moping even more that I have no strength or will to ride, which makes me weaker and more mopey. Und so weiter. There's no reason for me not to ride now, I'm only making excuses not to, because the fact is, the aforementioned Haflinger is hard for me to ride. And me being weak and out of shape again just exacerbates the situation. as said Haflinger can exploit every weakness. And I just keep pounding myself down into this “I can't ride for shit” hole that I've promised myself repeatedly I wouldn't do anymore. Tony spent a good portion of lunch today trying to get me to see the fun in riding, to realize my self-defeatist monologue is non-productive, and that I should just lighten up on myself and just enjoy it. Or stop riding. Either way.

I really can't get a handle on perspective–I keep telling myself I should be greatful and even ecstatic that I have a life that allows me such great amounts of leisure time, and the resources to have horses, even Mico, who not only has a lot of potential but is a no strings attached ride! Then I feel worse, because I'm not properly appreciative. I've been in this place so many times and for so long now, I have no idea how to shake it. When I was little, used to do anything to ride horses, begging, borrowing, even stealing on occasion. I don't know what happened to me, unless it's residual burnout from the trainer I left two years ago. I guess for now I'll just keep turning it over and over in my head, and suck it up and just ride until things improve or I quit and find something else to occupy my spare time, something besides the internet and television.

So there's the current dose of navel gazing there for you. I feel miserable and tell my self I should be happy.